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So you want to marry a...Gora
From the Lancashire Evening Telegraph, first published Monday 13th Dec 2004.
Getting married out of your caste is one thing. But what about marrying out of your race and culture? SARVAT JABEEN KHAN speaks to two women considering just that.
The year is 1975 and Mr Choudry takes his white bride to the village back home for all the family to admire.
All his friends now look at him as some kind of superstar. The general consensus is `good on ya mate!'
We jump forward - the year is now 2004 and the young Asian girl after much heartache and tribulation decides to marry a white man who has converted to her religion.
With the shame she has brought the family, a move to Surrey is inevitable and the links with anyone from her previous life are no more.
The wife of Mr Choudry takes on the headscarf and a suitable chosen name.
It's a big step for the man and an even braver one for the woman.
Despite the obvious gossip, her `chitta rang' and `bilia akha' (white colour and eyes like cats) will be spoken about in social gatherings at weddings, funerals etc. Mr Choudry will eventually regain all respect within the community and will walk down the street with his hairy chateeh (chest) escaping the confines of the unbuttoned kameez (shirt).
As Peter Kaye says "what's all that about, eh?"
In my quest to understand the predicament I spoke to two ladies both with differing perspectives.
The first, the younger of the two who commented, "It seems that more and more women are choosing partners away from their own culture.
"When an Asian man and white woman get together no one bats an eyelid. I feel that as Asian women are now highly successful in their chosen field, be that a doctor, lawyer, or even actor. She can be what she wants to be, going from strength to strength, being treated as an equal is paramount to her.
"The Asian man is looking for a mother in the wives they choose. Why is there such stigma attached to the Asian woman, white man scenario? I think the question that needs to be asked is why would a woman look to a White or even black man for companionship".
She makes some interesting points. The second of the two is a more mature lady who tackled the question from a differing view.
"Does the mature Asian woman really have a choice in the matter when the average Asian man would never consider commitment with someone who was thirty plus and has a history.
"It's all well and good harping on that Asian women should never marry a European man - so what should she do?"
"Some people are quiet upfront with their views but does anyone follow in our Prophets footsteps (peace be upon him) with the example of marrying his first wife Khadija many years his senior and a widower.
"Asian men are willing to take on a mature woman as a bit on the side but commitment - hah, that's a joke! Marriage with a white man would mean a partner who accepts her and appreciates her opinions, her career, and her qualities.
"These men respect and accept the Asian woman who reminds them of the European woman of a time gone by. "
The younger lady decided to surprise me, "An Asian woman with a black man is even worse".
Why is that I wonder?
So where do the prejudiced and double standard attitudes come from? And we all know they are not just unique to the Asian community.
After all the easy option is to marry an Asian man and live in peace, something that will be impossible for her in a mixed race relationship.
Why would she choose the option of making life difficult for herself?
The shame that goes with this decision is suffocating. I find this sad because as far as I am aware the ladies who marry White men do so after they have taken the life changing decision to convert.
The deliberation the couple have taken on, in their eyes, will seem like time wasted because as far as the community is concerned once a gora (white man) always a gora, and the conversion is something that is conveniently side tracked as it makes for better gossip!
Why is it that we accept men bringing in white women into our realms of society but are not willing to `lose' one of our own to a foreign culture?
To make a sweeping statement that the makeup of an Asian man is control freak, insecure, chauvinistic and dim would be wrong.
I started the article with the question Asian women marrying White men is it wrong? Well I guess that is a matter of opinion, I feel the concern of the Muslim woman's family fearing she is losing her identity, however if the man has converted then these concerns should be left to rest.
I also feel it is naïve for us to feel that two generations down the line there will be pure Asian blood.
Our fathers came here in the 1960's as a temporary means to improve the quality of life for them and their families but they put down roots and now forty-four years later we call this home.
So in the year 2004 we should accept the fact that mixed marriages are on the increase and if the man has converted to Islam then is `Asian women, English man' so wrong?
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